I love February in Ann Arbor. It's finally cold enough to be dry. Exams are over and people are relaxed. 1Ls are getting their fall grades, realizing that they are not getting a well-paid summer job, and slowly mutate into indifferent 2Ls. 2Ls with job offers have already spent half of their future summer earnings on a trip to some disease infested tropical country during the winter break. The other half is being slowly blown drinking at Rick's and other upscale places. Those 2Ls without jobs are also spending time at Rick's going deeper into the bottle and passing stories on how to explain their AA membership on the Utah Bar application. I don't know what 3Ls do because I haven't seen one around campus yet.
As a kid I dreamed of becoming an airline pilot. Well, initially I wanted to be an astronaut, but around the age of five I realized that airplane pilots meet more women on the job. Now, I am really glad I didn't become an astronaut. Did you hear about the recent food shortage on the space station? Imagine two guys, an American and a Russian, locked up in a big tin can without food. They had to go on a diet until NASA launched some lunches. The American astronaut lost 30 pounds, the Russian guy lost a whopping 170 pounds, and the Alien gained 170.
Being an airplane pilot is a completely different game. You travel all over the world, wear a sexy uniform, make a lot of money, and you are the first one to know when your plane crashes into the ground. Seriously, airplane pilots have it much easier than lawyers. Pilots know their work schedules in advance. Pilots are covered by union contracts and can retire early. Plus, hijackers are nicer than most law firm partners. It is also much easier to get a job as an airplane pilot. Last time I visited our Career Services Office they told me that with my GPA I will get a job when pigs fly. Well, when that time comes airplane pilots will be bringing home a lot more bacon than lawyers. Unless, of course, they fly for El-Al.
The only reason problem with being a pilot is that it requires getting up on time every day. You see, planes try to fly on schedule (you'd never guess this by flying out of Detroit on American) and sometimes those flights leave very early. Sleep is very important to me, so I need a job where I do not have to go to work very early. What could be better for me than a law firm job? In fact, most mornings I probably won't have to go to work at all since I will be already in my office from the night before.
There is nothing like waking up on a wonderful winter morning in Ann Arbor. It is below zero outside, slightly above zero inside, and the flying pigs are huddling together on the trees. And what can possibly be more invigorating than to be awoken by a 150-decibel noise at 6:45 AM on a Saturday morning? You know those radio alarm clocks that have more unmarked buttons and knobs than a UFO cockpit? Have you ever tried to turn it off Friday night (after a few cheap beers at Rick's) only to find out that instead you just cranked up the volume to the max?
Trying to shut up my alarm clock is about as easy as shutting up a nagging wife. There are seven small black buttons in a row and a big snooze button. In order to shut it off, I have to fumble in the complete darkness, press one of those seven button (I never remember which one), and while holding it, press the snooze button. Then pray that I actually turned it off permanently and not just snoozed.
Only a Michigan Engineering graduate could've designed this clock! I turn the clock over and sure enough it says "Made in China." So it is a Chinese Michigan Engineering grad! China is a nation with a rich culture and a long history of scientific developments. They invented gunpowder, kites (the kites that the girls at clubs always tell me to go fly), and the famous Chinese torture. Over the years they perfected their inventions. Now they torture people by making cheap, unreliable alarm clocks with tiny black buttons that are invisible in the dark and impossible to turn off.
I remember reading something in my Con Law class about cruel and unusual punishments. This alarm clock certainly violates some of my constitutional rights. This will make a great topic for a Law Review note; I can already envision the title "The Case Against Alarm Clocks Revisited: Learned Hand's handling of the second hand." I am sure that Ave Maria Law Review already published several articles on this topic in their last issue, but I can narrow it down enough so that it is not preempted. No one will ever read it of course, but it is for the best as it will be replete with grammatical mistakes, misspellings, and Justice Thomas' quotes.
I threw out the alarm clock and bought myself a Michigan rooster. Does anyone know how they work? Do I need to defrost it first?
